Post #4 - Essential List For Old Maids In The Making.

1. Never, under any circumstances, shop at Debenhams.

2. Never, even if it's ridiculously cheap, buy that hideous faux-snakeskin handbag in the Debenhams sale.

3. Always, always use an anti-ageing serum on your face, morning and night. Aldi does a good one for £3.50.

4. Always pluck your eyebrows religiously. If you aren't confident doing it yourself, get them threaded. Nkd waxing  boutique does a really good job.

5. Never, ever rely on beige as your primary colour choice for all outfits, day and night. This is what hags with no imagination wear.

6. Never, ever flirt with older men. Particularly pungent, greasy or balding ones, even if they're charming, or endearing.

7. Always eat fresh vegetables at dinner time, and fresh fruit all day long when you're in need of a cheeky snack.

8. Never, ever look up your old boyfriends on facebook and flick back to their profile pictures from years before when they were dating you. You're better than that, hopefully.

9. Always, when your much esteemed and trusted friend tells you what to wear for a night out, wear it. NOT BEIGE INSTEAD.

10. Always answer your phone on a more reliable basis.

11. Always brush your teeth morning and night. Dentyl is a good, non-painful mouth wash. Use it. Also, if you smoke, drink black coffee or eat lots of red meat/curry, use whitening products.

12. Never, ever declare that the Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, and Belle and Sebastian are the best bands of all time, especially in a public place.

13. Always buy a cat rather than a dog. Own cats religiously for the rest of your life.

14. Again, don't shop in Debenhams.

15. Never, ever get cream on top of your hot chocolate, mocha, or frappuccino. It's gross, bad for you, and calorific.

16. Always brush your hair on a more regular basis.

17. Always use tea-tree on spots. It works.

18. Never, ever let your work, study or boyfriend rule your life. They should compliment it.

19. Always take mulit vitamins and additional dietry supplements. They're good for you.

20. Train yourself to have a new laugh to use on dates, or when flirting. Your one is horrid, if adorable.

Post #2 - A List Of Essential Criteria In A Prospective Male Specimen.

1.       Must NOT be a fan of Lee Evans.

2.      Must be taller than the Maid in question, even in heels. Also, must not have a BMI that’s less than the Maid in question. 

3.   Must wear good footwear (and socks). 

4.       Must be passionate about a genre (or several) of music, not just heavy metal or reggae. 

5.       Must be confident, relaxed and un-pretentious, all in one go. 

6.      Must be funny but not a comedian. 

7.       Must prefer cats to dogs. 

8.       Must have clean hair at all times. 

9.       Must be charitable, patient and kind. 

10.   Must be able to appreciate the Wire and do a really good impression of Bunk. 

11.   Must have a clean foreskin at all times (no one wants to suck on a BabyBellend). 

12.   Must not have a serious drug addiction or alcohol dependency. 

13.   Must have a source of income that is not directly reliant upon the government. 

14.   Must not have multiple personality disorder. 

15.   Must have more interesting hobbies on their CV than football and badminton on a regular basis. 

16.   Under all circumstances, must NEVER, EVER, wear a fleece, bootcut jeans or bowling shoes – even ironically. 

17.   Must not be more sensitive than the Maid in question. 

18.   Must be able to cook, and eat meat (no meat without meat, honey). 

19.   Must be cautious, yet confident, when entering the anus. 

20.   Must have the potential to grow and retain facial hair, and possess an adequate pubic bush.